It’s that time again, my lovers, to get off your asses, shave your pits, pluck those brows, get a Brazilian, grab the closest warm body next to you, and get ready to get BUSY… That great American birth-rate accelerator/greeting card seller/suicide jump-starter Valentine’s Day is here again.
And in commemoration of 43 years of sexual proclivities, I want to take this moment to remember all the women I’ve swapped bodily fluids with in the past and present. You all have made me the untrusting, hyper-sexed, snobbish, holier-than-thou social emulsifier barely standing before you. I won’t bore you by mentioning all 187 (and counting) but, in no particular order, these are some of, as I like to call them:
Cordova’s Greatest Hits…
To Tina M, I soooo would have gotten arrested for you back then. Gladly. Some little gangbanger is a lucky motherfucker… But you’re no longer 17 and I’m no longer 22 so I don’t feel so bad…
To Alice B, if you hadn’t moved to Georgia with your adopted family I soo would have gotten you pregnant and my whole life would be different. Sometimes I think about it… I hope you’re happy, sweetheart…
To Lousie B, I fell in love with you in London when I was 18 and have never forgotten about you. I hope you’re happy wherever you are.
To Rene S, in another world we would have been much closer. The good news is: we still have time…
To Nancy S, I’m not sure what happened to you after college, but I’ll always remember you as that hot little sister… damn…
To Tiernan A, I’m sooo glad you are happily married now. We had some amazing times. You are the only woman I ever lived with. You totally cured me of that desire. I guess your brother was right about me…
To KYB, no one has heard from you in ages. I hope all is well. You were a much better friend to me than I was to myself…
To Jana C, you deliciously fucked-up little speed-freak… Man, I loved fucking you. I will forever remember the morning of 911 for a very different reason than anyone else in America. I hope you got some help…
To Lori Q, I think about you more than you will ever know. Glad you’ve met someone in OC who you can trust and put up with. I hope you’re happy. Tell your sister I still think she’s hot.
To Kim S, I wonder if you’re still fucking that married guy you’ve been wasting your time on for 10 years… probably. You never knew when to quit. And that’s why I dated you for so long…
To the hot little red-head I screwed on the plane on the way to Frankfort, you were an amazing piece of ass. I’m still amazed you didn’t give me an STD.
To Tania G, I’m sorry for all the problems but things turned out better for the both of us because of it.
To Dee S, you were so fucking smart. You taught me more about myself than anyone ever could and changed my life for the better. Thank you.
To Lisa D, we probably weren’t ever meant to be friends but we tried. And now we’re not because your choice of crazy people in your life. Good luck, you will fucking need it.
To Beata K, you are a crazy bitch but lucky for you you’re hot. Too bad you make horrible choices. I’d still fuck you, though… with an asbestos body sock on…
To Jamie C, I hope you chill out and learn to trust people again. I cared so much for you but you would never forgive me for being who I am. I hope no one ever does to you what you did to me…
To FR, thank you for giving me the best in your life. I hope I make you as happy as you make me…
I could do this all day, but the point is that each person we give our hearts and bodies to makes us who we are. There are bits and pieces of each of those women in me right now. And for better or worse there are bits of me in them as well.
What is the history of Valentine’s Day?
Well, legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men , his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
Fun times, eh?
Here are a couple of fun facts:
-Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women.
-In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia.
-According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the largest card-sending holiday of the year, second only to Christmas.
You can read the entire article I just plagiarized right here:
VALENTINES HISTORY
I am currently seeing someone who is… encumbered. "What a tangled web we weave when we choose not to conceive…" It’s true, if I had married, had children, had the relationship collapse, and couldn’t find a way out I’d be like everyone else I know my age group. But of course I stayed single and therefore can now enjoy all the wonderful elements of being an adult with out the pressures of family and responsibility. It's like being a wealthy college student, with a bitchin car. Big bangs, no whammies. I'm fucking lucky. At least in my estimation.
Now before you all call me a homewrecker, FUCK YOU. This woman has been sacrificing her life for her kids and her absentee husband for the past 20 years. She is a big girl and has made her own decisions which she and I will be fully responsible for. I don’t say anything about all the cesspools you all choose to swim in (at least not to your faces). The least you can do is pretend I’m Henry Miller, get a good read from my infidelities and just take it as modern-day mythology. Oh, and shut the fuck up. I don't need you to save me from anything.
Just saying...
With that in mind, the best thing about dating someone who is married and has already had children is that you don’t have to worry about them getting pregnant. They are either fixed or are willing to take birth control in a heartbeat. The LAST thing they want is trouble. So unless he/she’s a self-destructive freak they will probably be very accommodating. Also, if they've been in a monotonous monogamy (say that 10 times fast) they usually won't have STDs and are just DYING to have some hot, juicy, unprotected sex. (God, I hate condoms...)
PLUS they get a preponderance of boring melodrama in their REAL lives so they usually save all the good stuff for their LOVER. In this case, that would be me. Now of course in earlier posts I expounded on the trappings of such ambitions. However, the truth is love is where you find it. And at press-time the pluses in our situation far outweigh the liabilities. That might not always be the case, but that, my little munchkins, is for another post entirely…
One thing is for certain: any woman sharing my bed will NOT turn out like that insane bitch Nadya Suleman, the anathema of American motherhood, the poster-mother for out of control American self-obsession and excess, the one truly repellent breeder (not including Sarah Palin) that single-wombly overshadowed Bob and Michelle Duggar, the horrific Arkansas family that has 18 fucking children and counting… I’m sorry you’ve had such a sad, lonely life, Nadya, but no one, not even your gynecologist, is going to want to look at that horse vagina you’re swinging between your legs like matching mudflaps. So you’re hopes for a boyfriend have disappeared in the reality of being the Old Woman living in the Shoe.
Which reminds me of a limerick by Andrew Dice Clay:
There was an old woman who lived in a Shoe,
She had so many children,
Her uterus fell out.
(We could only hope...)
Some media stations have shown a picture of you next to Angeliga Jolie (the Madonna of Un-Planned Parenthood) stating you’re kinda hot.
EARTH TO NADYA- don’t believe everything you read.
You are obsessed with Jolie (whom I personally believe is a lot like her character in Beowulf, evil incarnate) by getting collagen in your lips (which you swear you didn’t do), wearing your hair the same way, and having a Quaker Oaks Instant Brood, but the similarities stop there. You look like a fucking Winnebago from the tits down, sista. Seriously. And you’ve received death threats? Doesn’t fucking surprise me, seeing as that the state of California will be flipping the bill to raise all your mongoloid children. Ooo, she went into hiding... Can you really hide with 14 kids?? Oh, wait, you’ve already pawned them off on everyone else for their protection... Bitch, no one wants your kids- they want you. On a stake. And I can’t say I blame them. You wouldn’t know personal responsibility if it took a Hot Carl on your face and then kissed you. And you received HOW MUCH because one of those tiny lives you gambled with has a slight impediment? Of course it probably has NOTHING to do with your Frankenstein fertility procedures… You don’t deserve to be threatened, you deserve to be put in PRISON for crimes against humanity.
At least it will keep your depressive fertile ass off the streets. Just listen to yourself...
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
ANYWAY, if you were wondering, THIS IS NOT HOW TO DO IT, people.
Ahh… I feel sooo much better now. Thanks for indulging me...
OK, I’m going to open a Shiraz, watch some good porn, and wish my girl were on this side of the world. Have a lovely time cumming your clits off, ladies. And gentlemen, let us do what we do best. Be safe, be happy, and be respectful. But PLEASE do yourself and the rest of the world a favor- DON’T GET YOURSELVES PREGNANT.
You don’t have the hips for it…
♠ JC
2 comments:
You give a whole new dimension to kiss and tell...
If you only knew...
Post a Comment