The Passage of Time and Other Myths

Hello…

Hello?

Hello...

Is this thing on?

Shit, man… I feel like I just woke from the dead. And for all intents and purposes I suppose I have. Nothing like a long hibernation in the face of adversity, eh?

*Stretch… yawn*

I suppose it was a cop-out, allowing the doldrums of human dramarama to keep me in slumber for, oh, what has it been… a good two years now?

Jesus Christ Fuckstick, I put myself to sleep for over 730 days in penance for… God, can I even remember??

Oh, yes. It was because of a woman. A couple of them, actually, overlapping like titanic squalls, white or otherwise, in what many would dare to call the Perfect Storm. A storm that I, the God I made in my own likeness, created.

A lesson in decision-making: get all the facts. First. But that’s another post entirely…

Regardless, like all good terrible forces of nature I have returned. Like el nino. Like a flesh-eating virus. Like hurricane season. Like intellectual herpes that might go dormant for a while but never really go away.

Only this time I’m better. Stronger. Faster. And look better naked.

And really, people, isn’t that what’s really important?

So much has happened to the world while I slumbered. I listened to all your little penneydreadfuls and soap operas through the miracle of the third eye… seeping into my super-conscious like so much wastewater into a blessed cistern. What a cacophony of morose mediocrity, a pure symphony of simpleton bullshit churning like a white noise machine set to lull me to unconsciousness and beyond...

I can’t leave you people alone for a moment, can I?

Let’s see… A war has been raging ever since before I first shut my eyes. I knew it. We might as well change our country’s name to Oceania because, children, we aren’t getting out of this one anytime soon… And believe me, my best friend (if a feral creature can have such a thing) works in television… and he assures me that we know only what they want us to know. Welcome to the American Dream…

For example, did you know that Castro’s been dead for months now?

See…

Anyway, I see we are in the middle of the worst Presidential race of the last 20 years. Personally, if I hadn’t been sleeping I would have voted for Hillary. She might be a bitch but no one would walk all over her and she would have stuck by her guns. Hell, she has bigger balls than the entire current administration put together. At least no one would have called her a black Hitler. (did I say that out loud?) And McCain is a little Bush waiting to sprout. Only worse. Is it too late to secede?

What else… Ah, the price of gas is through the roof. Another surprise there… The government is nationalizing everything else, why don’t they put a ceiling on the profit margins petroleum companies can have during a crises period? Especially since in the last 12 months many have reported record earnings for their shareholders… Oh, wait, that’s because the oil companies and the government are butt-buddies and have been fucking us all along… Silly me…

Skipping merrily through the Internet I see the birth rate in women under the age of 18 has risen dramatically. Didn’t see that one coming. Let’s see, take funding away from the learning institutions, put secondary education out of financial reach for most, alienate the whole of society by creating a viral reality that keeps people separated, have the media espouse how being single is against the word of God and glorify twisted philosophies that condemn birth-control as sin and it’s no fucking wonder all these ignorant, unloved, emotionally deserted children have been brainwashed into thinking that the only way to have any type of purpose in life is to have a child. If I had a daughter I would bring her up with the Cordova code: people are smelly. And they will make you smelly too. And if you decide to use your ‘girl’ card and have a child while you are under 18 and live under my auspices you and your bastard progeny are out the door and on your own. I won’t disown you but I won’t support you. And before all you feminists shriek bloody murder, let me say that I would have raised that girl to feel loved, valued, and indispensable. If she chooses to spit that back in my face, then fuck you; you’re on your own. I love with an incredible intensity but I will not take having my permissiveness and understanding subverted by some whiney co-dependent bullshit. It’s called ‘tough love’, sweetie. And if more parents put their foot down and actually ‘raised’ their children to desire more in life than being some idiot’s cum receptacle then America wouldn’t be filled with all the dumbshit in-breds that it is. Hell, at least third world countries have an excuse… I’m sorry, I thought that this was America, land of the FREE, home of the BRAVE… but parents would rather be friends with their kids and won’t put their foot down until junior in his 19th year knocks up a 16 year old high-school girl and has to move in. Suddenly the grandmother becomes the parent and the kids are trying to get back their youth.

FUCK YOU. I have spent 42 years making sure I don’t have to deal with some sorry-ass bullshit. You think I’m finally going to marry someone, go through a hellish pregnancy, and have a child that will shit out another child and dare to dump it in my lap??? I’ll pick up a bat and send that fucker into the bleachers asaf.fucking.p. What kind of gutless wonder would allow their kids to treat them with such disrespect? If so, you know what? You deserve it. Stupid ass…

Why the fuck isn’t Spears’ underage boyfriend in fucking jail? If I were her father I’d have the guy’s balls boxed, painted like dice, and hanging from my rear-view mirror. Why the fuck don’t laws apply to everyone?? Yet an 18 year old man is old enough to go and give his life for something he doesn’t even believe in but can’t go and get a fucking beer after a hard day of sucking military dick. Damn fucking shame.


IQ’s have certainly dropped suddenly while I was away…


And just because the national curve is getting curvier, some people think it relates to all of us. People try to fill us with sociological myths that appeal to our naive sense of humanity all the while opening us up wide to their personal influence over our lives. And society as a whole has supported these ridiculous tenants more out of in-action than pro-action. (imagine that…)

The first myth is: We are nothing without a partner.

If that is so then a phantom is writing phantom words on a phantom Internet to phantom readers about phantom reality. Not likely.

The second half of this is: why the fuck would I ever depend on another person to set my net worth, either emotionally or financially? I don’t trust people to get up I the morning much less put a decent price on me. We are only what we make ourselves, children. We can live without everyone else but ourselves…

The second myth is: Everything happens for a reason.

That is the sorriest load of depressing bullshit that you could ever tell a society. Now wonder everyone’s on anti-depressants and ready to kill themselves at the drop of a hat. The truth is it’s all a crapshoot. It’s 50/50 if you’re going to be born without some type of malfunction. If you have one thing it’s almost certain you won’t have something else. Example: If you’re rich, maybe you’re a total asshole who treats people like shit and wonders why nobody hangs with him. If you’re poor, maybe you have a wonderful partner who supports you, fucks the dogshit out of you, and is your biggest fan. If you’re beautiful maybe you’re a cunt who no one trusts and the only “friends” you have are the douchbags you fuck. If you’re Mother Theresa or Mahatma Ghandi you probably won’t ever get laid but your reward lies somewhere else. Everything with a price. And everything must go.

Yes, there are things you can do to tip the scales a bit. A positive outlook is one. Praying, which is the same thing only focused. It’s pretty religion-independent so works across different platforms… So to speak. You could blow somebody. But for the most part it all depends on the spin of a bottle, a random thought.

Get used to it.

The third myth is: I won’t cum in your mouth.

You can almost certainly be assured that, come hell or high water, I will.

I look in the mirror and see a few more gray hairs than I remember. I am lucky that I have great jeans and have aged gracefully. I’ve seen some people I went to high school with just recently. And though it wasn’t so back in the day, now I am now undeniably in the upper 10 percent of hot USDA fuck beefstock. You have no idea how much joy I got from seeing the ex-football champion with a spare tire the size of my futon. And the hot cheerleaders who wouldn’t give me the time of day are haggard alcoholic ex-wives with too many kids and Botox scars. My entire elementary school career as a reclusive geek has been vilified.

Revenge is sweet.

Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

And I suppose that brings us to the dichotomy of life. That the more things change the more then stay the same. Not much is different since we last chatted. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but for the most part it’s the usual criminals…

We are still our own worst enemies, my darlings. It doesn’t take a masters degree in shitstorming to see that.

Hmm… I’m hungry. I wonder what I eat nowadays… I suppose this is as good a time as any to give my salutations until the next installment while I figure out if I’m still a carnivore or not. (Though, how could I be anything but?) And I assure you it will not be two years from now when we next break bread, er- bones. Even in the face of all these new bloggers (basically women who have nothing better to do than talk about their orgasms, lash out at their ex’s, and rant to a bunch of other bitchy, repressed, irritated and intimately irritating women) I will prevail… Because I am right. If for no other reason, Truth will prevail.

And it’s so exhausting being right all the time. But that’s another story…

So in the words of ‘Ben’ from Blue Velvet, David Lynch’s seminole film…


“...Here’s to your fuck, Frank…”

♠ JC