As a companion to the joyous celebration of everything carnal that was the list of My Favorite Things, now I’m cutting to the chase, as it were.
What the FUCK is going on out in the pre-Yuletide streets these days? Now, I know I am a little dark and intense at times. Hell, I can be down-right cantankerous when the mood hits me. But even I, the Mussolini of Social Media, tries to keep hits snarky shit to a minimum during the holidays. I might be a loose cannon but at least I keep my ammo TO MYSELF and don’t purposely fuck with other peoples’ vibe. I have respect for even the rabid mongrels that populate this stretch of Southern Babylon. But lo! The fuckfaces have ZERO respect for themselves; what makes me think they should possibly be able to muster up the strength and scruples to RESPECT ME?? People walk around mumbling about how horrible the holidays are… While they are sipping eggnog frappuccinos, wearing designer jeans and Pantagonia fleece jackets, and whipping out the credit cards like they’re winning lottery tickets… What the fuck do you blockheads have to bitch about, really?? Did Sharper Image sell that vibrating dick holder out from under you??
And on top of it, you get an attitude and try to smear your holiday smegma all over me??? Step off, fuckers! I’ll deck you right in the hall and crunch those snowglobes like old candy canes… think I’m lying…
All you people who wait till the last minute to do anything for Christmas and then run around like savage wolves cutting people off, fighting for sale items, and being rude to your waiters… FUCK YOU. You are the LAST people GOD or ANY of the heavenly host will think about during this or any other holiday season. And you people wonder why you are so fucking miserable during the holidays… Hell, I KNOW why I’m in bad mood-
I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL YOU FUCKERS ON A DAILY BASIS! And believe me, that’s enough to piss off the Baby Jesus.
I know we all have a billion and one things to do. But seriously, do you think your shit is more important than mine??? If so, you are sadly mistaken… Mongrels...
And you, Einstein, stilling there in your vibrating Lazy Boy stuffing your face with Pizza Pockets and Pabst Blue Ribbon while you scream at the television all weekend… Do you not see the kids (that YOU decided to sire, you lame-ass motherfucker) are watching and learning from all your grotesque selfish behavior? When you suddenly realize your kids are obese fucksticks who don’t give a damn about you or anything else PLEASE don’t blame them for their behavior… You’re the one who taught it to them!
And for those of you who think God is going to answer all your selfish smarmy prayers that your stocks go up and your wife gives you a divorce and that your face-lift will heal before your cruise in February… Hit your knees and be thankful that I’m not the GOD in question. You would all be dust blowing in the wind by now… I’d be like Charleton Heston sweeping down with my locusts, frogs, gnats, and my MVP the ANGEL OF DEATH and teach you the meaning of “bad holidays”… you can keep the idiot first-born child… I want your 50-inch HDTV and your hot stripper girlfriend. I’m GOD, bitch!!
Seriously, what fucking right do you people have to be cunts and pee-holes all the time?? Why don’t you people go home and beat your kids or something? Don’t be dishing out your repressed frustration on me and other obsessive/compulsives who are just trying to get through the season unscathed… because I’m not your mother- I’ll cook it and feed it back to you through your nostrils, you selfish pricks…
DEEP BREATH…
Ok… It’s amazing how much better I feel now….
When I was a child and my father’s mother Lupe was still alive the tradition was to go to her crib after midnight mass and we’d all stay up til 4 am singing carols and opening presents while my Dad and the other grow-ups drank beer and wine and pretended to love each other… She would make tamales with my aunts on Christmas Eve and we would feast all night long. Christmas Day was always a late start but I already had most of my presents and that was all that mattered. Ah… That was probably the happiest, most care-freee time of my life, as it relates to the holiday experience. Things change so much once you become an adult... And I must say, being single and unencumbered, I really have it so much easier than most of my constituents. The simple act of daring to live my life as a bachelor has saved me from the most mundane of fates.
I went to Whole Foods On Friday to get ingredients to make my infamous HOLIDAY SANGRIA to take to my friend’s Christmas Debacle and the first thing I saw when I walked through the sliding doors was a meager man in his early thirties clutching a child of 2 who looked up at him and instantly projectile vomited right in his face and all over the floor in front of the organic mango bin.
Brother, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy…
Ugh. As if life isn’t hard enough, people…
Of course, the holidays are all about children. But seeing as that I have kind of alienated myself from my family after a horrible estate dispute after the death of my father’s mother, I really have no kids around me. And though you might think I hate them because of my vocal doctrine concerning the irresponsible breeding inherent in American culture, I really like children. They are smart and curious and pure, unless totally fucked-up beyond belief by their insane parents. During Christmas I find myself, like them, being charmed by the twinkling of the lights like fractured diamonds, the smell of pine, the sight of packages the colors of the rainbow… the carols sung in praise to a time that is long gone but fondly reminisced… But, alas, that is the nature of Western thinking- the good borrow, the great steal…
Unfortunately, kids rarely get the chance to BE kids today. With the media and peer pressure and sexual innuendo everywhere, it's easy to think of virginity as your first case of chicken pox- get it over as soon as possible and go on with the rest of you life... I wouldn't want to be a child in this society for ANYTHING... Poor little guys...
Kids are just like BlueTooth ear pieces: a good idea gone bad...
But with all this materialism, it's easy to forget that we are supposed to be celebrating the BIRTH OF CHRIST. Now, I know everyone is not Christian. And being Catholic I don't believe in not believing. And of course the written history of Christ is fucked up beyond believe and makes it hard to instill trust in a non-Christian. But seriously, it's not any worse than the Bush Administration and look how easily you fell for THAT ONE!
The true date of the birth of Christ has long been debated:
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/108038
“…If observed at all, the celebration of Christ's birth was usually lumped in with Epiphany (January 6), one of the church's earliest established feasts. Some church leaders even opposed the idea of a birth celebration. Origen (c.185-c.254) preached that it would be wrong to honor Christ in the same way Pharaoh and Herod were honored. Birthdays were for pagan gods.
Clement of Alexandria (c.150-c.215) favored May 20 but noted that others had argued for April 18, April 19, and May 28. Hippolytus (c.170-c.236) championed January 2. November 17, November 20, and March 25 all had backers as well. A Latin treatise written around 243 pegged March 21, because that was believed to be the date on which God created the sun. Polycarp (c.69-c.155) had followed the same line of reasoning to conclude that Christ's birth and baptism most likely occurred on Wednesday, because the sun was created on the fourth day.
The eventual choice of December 25, made perhaps as early as 273, reflects a convergence of Origen's concern about pagan gods and the church's identification of God's son with the celestial sun. December 25 already hosted two other related festivals: natalis solis invicti (the Roman "birth of the unconquered sun"), and the birthday of Mithras, the Iranian "Sun of Righteousness" whose worship was popular with Roman soldiers. The winter solstice, another celebration of the sun, fell just a few days earlier. Seeing that pagans were already exalting deities with some parallels to the true deity, church leaders decided to commandeer the date and introduce a new festival…”
Imagine if we were celebrating Christmas in April... So. Not. Fun. But then again, we wouldn’t know any difference so again PERCEPTION IS REALITY.
So on this holiday season don’t be a dirt-bag. BE NICE, for fucks sake. You never know when a piano is going to come crashing down on your head… Don’t make everyone hate you. Believe me, once there it takes years to change it…
Ok, now I’m off to do my last-minute shopping… And if one of you allows your kid to throw up in front of me again, I swear I think I’m going to lose it…
Merry Fucking Christmas!!
♠ JC
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